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Monday, May 20, 2013

More ... I Mean, Less About Me ... and Vegans

May 20, 2013:  Ah, my 164th Blah-ugh! post ... It seems like only yesterday I was doing my 163rd, and you can see where that got me ...

I actually encountered some very rude feedback about my Blah-ugh! recently from some militant vegans with poor spelling skills. It was disturbing, I can assure you, but in the end I resisted confrontation -- like Ghandi -- and instead, like Ghandi, made myself a hero sandwich with extra cheese.

When you're a public figure it's hard to not to take the periodic waves of criticism personally, especially since I'm feeling physically ugly these days. I know people who call me names like "egomaniac" and "geletinhead" don't really know anything about me (with the exception of Matt), so it would be silly for an intelligent, balanced mensch like myself to even let these nasty cabbage heads intrude upon my cloud. (NOTE: Speaking of mensches -- or mences -- I'm still meaning to do that Steven Spielberg post, now that I have the correct spelling on his name ... I just haven't gotten around to it. Perhaps the 167th post, if not the 166th. I don't think Spielberg is a vegan, but if he is, I intend to out him!)

Anyway, I was just in the shower, which as you might imagine is cause to wax thoughtful, especially when there's all this mold on the tiles. When I'm in the shower, I also tend to sing, and not even well, but I like to sing loudly because I imagine no one else can hear it, and it annoys the family, who don't even like it when I speak or show my face at the dinner table ... Anyway, I was singing something that reminded me how much I love Jefferson Airplane and The Inkspots, and not in any particular order, so I felt I should devote some time to outlining my love in a public forum (like some kind of pervert) ... but I'm not going to now. (Perhaps in my 168th post.)

What I do want to do now is share a bit about what's going on in the world -- my world, that is, which is the world, and I'm not saying that to be self-centered, it's just that it's the only world I've got, or at least the only one that'll have me, and allow me the space to pretend to be an opera singer. You see, things are bouncing around in all directions, as they tend to do when you don't take your Lithium -- or subscribe to vegan principles -- and the well of worthwhile observations seems poised to be .. well, observed! (Man, that italics feature is just doing all the work tonight. Sweet!)

Wait, wait! Don't go yet! I'll make some point, or get something out worth reading ... Just ... give me ... a ... minute ....

ITEM: Just watched "Election" last night and I really love that movie. I always feel that Matthew Broderick is really kind of an angry person based on my perceptions of his photographs, but he really was made for this part. And Reese Witherspoon and her mammoth chin just steal the show, though not necessarily in that order. Best of all is this kid who plays Paul, who's running against the notorious Tracy Flick. He's great -- kind of a mutant Little Rascal grown up. One day I'll look his name up and include it here, unless I get a nasty note from Broderick and have to rescind this whole entry. (I'm convinced he's vegan, btw.)

ITEM: My daughter and I made an awesome red velvet cake last night, except it isn't red. This might disturb some people, but we expected it would turn out as is. It's delicious, and in fact the three pieces I've had today were better than yesterday's slice. (I can't wait until tomorrow.)

ITEM: Speaking of my daughter, her softball team -- which I manage -- had its first win Thursday. It was a glorious event, and while I wasn't really in any way responsible for the victory, I made it clear to the girls that I was. (I figured they shouldn't get too arrogant, and as I'm already arrogant, it wouldn't matter so much.) We celebrated with vegan pizza.

ITEM: I'm convinced the National Security Council has begun monitoring this Blah-ugh! -- or my brain, or possibly both. This because I picked up a copy of The Catcher in the Rye someone left atop the gun locker and ... No, no. See, I kid. (I actually keep my gun under my pillow, where I can reach it quickly if a spy comes in the window when I'm making love ... or a vegan.) Anyway, the reference to the red hunting cap made me nervous, so I tried to read faster, because I'm sure that by reading the book I'm inviting questions about my Americanism and my morality and god-knows-what-else ... Then, around page seventy-something -- I won't claim to know the actual number -- I noticed that certain letters on the left side of the page began to form messages ... Now, you're maybe going to think I'm crazy, but there was clearly a progression of letters that included a "C," an "I," and an "A," although I don't think they were in that order ... You see where I'm going with this. And while you may be wondering why the CIA isn't keeping the tabs, it's because they're involved with international chicanery ... I mean, alleged chicanery ... Alleged! That's what I meant ...

ITEM: If you rearrange the letters in "vegan," it spells "N - AGE - V," which stands for "New Age Virus," which is a clear indication that something much more radical is going on with veganism than with my bedtime book reading. "Vegan" is also suspiciously close to "Vegas," which is a suspicious place surprisingly close to the Hoover Dam, which as we all know generates a significant amount of power -- or what the Indians called "Pow-wower" ... You see where I'm going with this ...

ITEM: It's time for another movie and some more vegan red velvet cake ...

1 comment:

  1. despite the torrential rain, the cucumbers have come up in the garden, and when they fruit we will make bread and butter pickles of them, jars and jars of them to go with hamburgers - not veggie burgers, but big fat cow burgers.

    . . . but yesterday i sat on my horse in a field not far from here and the rain was threatening and we watched the baby angus play in the buttercups and someday they will be hamburgers, but they don't know that, they will live a good life in the meadow until the very last day - isn't that like all of us?

    and next time i will tell you about my best friend who looks exactly like Reese Witherspoon - actually more like Reese than Reese herself - and she went to the Kentucky Derby this year, my friend not Reese, and everyone thought she was Reese and they took pictures of her and tried to get her autograph and gave her free things in the gift shop because they were so impressed that Reese was there, but she wasn't there, my friend was there.

    i think, sometimes, that the CIA should round up all the vegans and put them in Vegas with the Elvis impersonators.