How I Cured My Lactose Intolerance and Lived to Tell About It

February 19, 2012: I wanted to share how I've conquered my lactose intolerance, but also put in a plug for my ebook Space Case, which is available at major emotional outlets. (Although judging by the sales, I'm sure those outlets are emotionally unavailable. Still, that's no excuse not to get on this book before the printer runs out of ink, or intel.)

So on to my lactose intolerance, which pesters me often when I eat ice cream, or even spill some on my shirt. You see, lactose intolerance (or L.I., as it's known outside the New York metropolitan area) involves the body's inability to properly digest milk sugar (or lactose, which is really a coded word connoting a "lack" of "tose," or "dose," which references LSD droplets left on sugar cubes, which are a form of sugar, and which anyone who's suffered the cramped indignities of L.I. knows is not unlike a bad abdomen-stabbing acid trip).

Anyway, I accidentally stumbled on the perfect cure for L.I. -- I know not how, but it works! It simply involves drinking a lot of water at the time of the milk consumption. It's a modern miracle, when timed right, because you can actually eat a whole bowl of ice cream, or drink a milkshake, and if you (or I, in this case) quickly drink two enormous glasses of water, we won't spend the better part of the next day in the bathroom revisiting our bad judgement.

It's a simple formula, but must be executed with scientific precision in order to maximize colonic results. Start by preparing a large -- preferably clean -- glass with a full measure of room-temperature water. I stress room-temperature because we want to be able to guzzle the stuff in wicked haste, lest the operation go kablooey. Also, you'll need to have at least one other glass-worth of water standing by for transference into that glass, and I like to use filtered water because ... well, that's just the kind of man I like to be in this environmentally unsound age we live in. (I'm not sure what the point of that last statement was, but if someone out there somehow found it funny, it doesn't matter.)

I suggest you don't linger for an excessive amount of time over your frappecino, malted milkshake, or creamy hot cocoa. Certainly enjoy the experience (because in truth, you really shouldn't be trying this every day ... perhaps every three or four days, depending on how fully you consume the sweet, sweet milk of our forefathers. (In my case, I've worked my way up to being able to have three or even four nights in a row of my favorite bran flake/corn flake cereal mix with heavy whipping cream, with and without bananas, but I'm very experienced with this practice and would suggest you begin by limiting yourself to no more than two moderate lactose experiences a week.)

Once you've swallowed the last lactose drop, IMMEDIATELY drink that water -- the entire glass in five second flat, and then pour the other glass and drink as much of that as you can ... By the time another 30 seconds has elapsed, you should probably get done with that second glass. (I'm talking large glasses, by the way, holding at least 2 cups (or as the Indians called them, "pints").

Further, it won't hurt you to drink a shade more even after this, if you're still thirsty enough (although the odds are you won't be thirsty again for at least a week). Understand that you may experience a bit of cramping the following morning, particularly if you don't like your job, but this is normal and will shortly pass.

The important thing is that you won't find yourself repeatedly having to use the bathroom in shameful, acidic regret the next day ...

And you'll no longer have to fear -- nor will your lactose love be compromised by -- your once incomprehensibly demoralizing inability to adequately process the sweet sugar within!