September 13, 2012: Well, the moment's fast approaching when we'll remove my cat Bob's testicles. I, for one, am looking forward to getting it done. It's not that I wish ill of him -- in fact, he's a fetching young gentleman with a heart of gold -- but he's apparently starting this onorous (and odorous) practice of "spraying" around the house, and it stinks of weird ammonia and feh, and we've got to put a stop to it ASAP. (Lord only knows WHAT this little fiend is spraying -- I mean, it may be urine or it may be something worse!)
But I'm grateful to the authorities who will perform this necessary operation, and while I like the idea of keeping people natural -- I mean, come on! I certainly wouldn't want you removing MY testicles, at least not without a good reason -- it's good to do as Bob Barker used to always advise us at the end of "The Price Is Right" and remember spay and neuter your pet. (And while I don't intend to do BOTH, I think doing at least ONE is a good thing where Bob is concerned. And, mind you, I'm not even really sure WHICH we're doing -- I mean, I never said I was a knowledgable writer, just a witty one -- but the unceremonious plucking of his little man marbles must certainly fall into one category or another ...)
But more to our point, isn't it just too easy to make jokes about such a dire event?! It's like laughing at the death of some old movie actress who had a bookcase fall on her, or a decrepit right-wing politician, who got anal cancer ... I can do better, probably, or at least keep this dumb Blah-ugh! moving without resorting to cheap laughs ... Hmmm ... Or CAN I ?? ...
There's little other news to report. I was, once again, highly disappointed by the poor attendance at my speaking engagement last night, and while many of you were there with me in spirit, it was only because I invested mental energy fantasizing about gouging your respective eyes out with my quill pen (or unceremoniously removing your testisticles with tweezers).
On another note, I watched this weak but intriguing movie called "16 Blocks" -- at least, I THINK that's what it was called. It was a rather hokey and generally predictable cop suspense movie with Bruce Willis as a cop who, looking back over the movie, probably only had about five lines, and instead spent his performance looking all hungover and despondent. And it was really a pretty good performance, as well as one could expect him to perform. Of course, I spent an equal amount of time wondering about his hair, because I was sure he was bald already. I mean, I know he shaves his head to NOT look bald -- which is a weird, remarkable irony of modern aging man -- but suddenly he had a kind of LOT of hair, but it was not really THAT much, if you know what I mean. In other words, I kept thinking that if this was a hairpiece, it was a hairpiece aimed at making him look like he was losing his hair ... and it may have been. I don't know. It was certainly dyed -- that kind of rusty red-brown colored that men will dye their hair in the movies, or the hairdresser will dye ... All I know is Demi Moore certainly made a fool of herself going after that young idiot, whose name escapes me, and then getting dumped. And all the surgery! Ugh! It makes me want to plotz! Willis handled it like a gentleman, which was probably the advise of a good agent, and now he's got continuing work while she spends her time lurking in the bushes outside her ex's house and sniffing amyl nitrate and trying to keep her face from cracking with hot bee's wax treatments ...
But I'm being tangential, because I really wanted to comment on Willis's costar, who is this guy Def Moss, or Moss Def, or Deft Mos, or something quite around there, and I have no idea how anyone gets such a name. It makes me want to plotz! If my cat had that name, I'd have removed his testicles long ago ...
Anyway, despite his odd name, this person had the most remarkably funny cute weird voice. I mean, it was intriguing. I've never heard such a voice, and he talked and talked all through the movie, and I found myself holding my breath trying to figure out where he got such a strange voice. I guess even Willis was mesmerized, because he wasn't saying anything either ...
Anyway, I recommend the movie if you have nothing better to do and it's free to rent from the library and you don't particularly care for Demi Moore and don't want to make your testicles hurt more than they already do.
Which makes me wonder if there's a movie out there that centers on the removal of a cat's personal parts. If not, I could see an intriguing storyline to develop involving doctors and Bob Barker and money and sex and fame, and you could get this guy Deaf Moseley to play the voice of the cat ... Shee-it!
This blog made me want to plotz.
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