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Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Coffee Cures Everything; It Cured ME

March 6, 2012: I suddenly came to realize today that my main problem -- perhaps my ONLY problem, really -- is that I haven't been drinking enough coffee--or any coffee--for way too long.

Right away, this explains why my Blah-ugh! entries have become poorly intermittent, (where once they were intermittently poor). Also, the topics themselves have become increasingly maudlin and pedantic, where they were once buoyant, pithy, and on rare occasions vaguely funny. This, too, is a reflection of coffee's magic powers, for as everyone knows coffee drinkers are prone to sit around coffee shops laughing and telling funny stories about hens and washing cars and hiring nannies from funny-sounding countries ... and so to NOT be charged on coffee, one suddenly sees the folly of even TRYING to have a conversation without waxing morose.

By the way, at this point you're probably wondering if SPACE CASE is still available on Amazon and at B&N, and it is, and if you were really the fan you purport to be, you'd already know that, so I've half a mind to delete these last three lines, except I can't properly work the delete button on this stupid futuristic keyboard my wife bought, for it's like typing on one of those fake rubber keyboards, or on a toy piano, and just try to send a letter through one of those.

Speaking of ME and my BOOK, you'll probably be microscopically excited (as my wife was) to learn that I've been asked to do my first public appearance in relation to that unique, oft-discussed (certainly by me) humorous attempt at chick lit (SPACE CASE, which as you know is available at B&N and Amazon). I'll hope to see you there, assuming you won't be wearing weird clothes or calling out from the audience about problems in Tibet or problems with MY stand on Tibet, or Tibet's stand on ME ... Actually, at this point I'm not even sure I want you there at all, so call first ...

Anyway, the point is, I'm enjoying a clarity of mind usually only experienced by coke addicts, and it's all thanks to my increasing coffee intake. Not to say that tea isn't doing it's part too -- the drinking kind, I mean. I'm still enjoying my morning cup, only now I'm starting to have two in the morning, and several more throughout the evening, following a healthy afternoon of coffee ingestion. (I just finished a cup now, in fact, and I feel GREAT!)

It's amazing, really. I'm finding I don't need to sleep as much as I thought I did, and my real fear-issue relating to it being a diarrhetic has been handily quelled by putting my brilliant cure for Lactose Intolerance (remember -- L.I.) into play. (See )

So life is good, and if I can keep up this pace, the Blah-ugh! entries should keep coming faster and faster, and with more virulent pith (if I'm not being gross by saying so) ... and while I've noticed my blinking starting to change a bit -- it's kind of hard to explain, but my eyes aren't quite closing all the way anymore, but just sort of rolling around -- otherwise I haven't noticed any ill effects. And due to my ever-increasing energy, I've got several new writing projects underway, two of which involve complete sentences, while the others are more abstract and just entail my hitting the keyboard rhythmically with clenched fists. (Which reminds me, I'm thinking about learning to play the accordion while I have all this extra time.)

Anyway, ask yourself honestly, Have I bought my copy of Space Case yet? And if you answer No, get the hell off my Blah-ugh! site or I'll call the cops ... I'm just kidding. So few people are up at this hour, I can't AFFORD to offend anyone ... even you!


  1. So Jarrett, where exactly is this book signing? Maybe you should post your Zep parody.

  2. hey! it works now . . . hmmmmmm

    Skittles -- have you ever written while high on Skittles? They blow coffee right outta the water.