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Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Jewing It Down

December 15, 2009: In light of the recent unpleasantness infecting my Blah-ugh! -- (You people act like children, and all I ever wanted to do was to make you laugh, and sing, and perhaps take your clothes off and chant my name while writhing on some stone altar somehwere out on a moor at Midsummer's Eve!) -- I thought it best to focus on less controversial subjects for the time being (meaning until you all learn to behave!) ...

That said, I thought it a good time of year to address my fears of being Jewish. Please understand, I'm only half Jewish, but like being half black in modern America, they'll still send you to the inferior restroom as a consequence.

Jews today have, of course, found ever-increasing acceptance amidst the Goyum. But like other often-battered minorities (and Yes, I include the Eskimos here) our comfort is always a precarious one, forever at the mercy of some violent midwestern Redneck, or some well-educated northeast Protestant who firmly believes he has conclusive evidence to support some of the stereotypes.

When all is said and done, I simply feel it makes more sense to lay low. While I'm always one to tout my Jewishness amongst the Chosen People -- Hell, I've even purported to be all Jewish when I knew no one would really have the nerve to check -- I've found it practically safer to keep my Gentile face in front where others are concerned, if for no other reason than to avoid the chipper Gee-Whiz comments of the Christmas crowd. ("Oh, you're Jewish. That's great," the implication being "Better you than me!")

And Yes, it is an arduous brand we bare, as both Steven Spielberg and I know only too well. As a people with ne'er a land to call their own (outside of Israel, Hollywood and what the ever-dignified and articulate Rev. Jesse Jackson so sensitively referred to as "Hymietown), we find ourselves forever faced with the fear of being excluded, ostricized, and, on the worst days, put in ovens.

So, in celebration of Hannukah, I intend to stand by my anonymity and keep the crosses off the lawn. And should, God forbid, things ever take a real bad turn to the worst of human nature, I'll swear we were only using the things because we couldn't find candleholders.

Next Week: Honoring (and taming) the dormant anti-Semite in all of us!


  1. Liotta, I celebrate your being half Jewish as we, who grew up in Westport, are all half Jewish, according to Mutt, who's wisdom is unquestionable.

    As for the latest hijinks -- I take full responsibility for inciting the recent riot. There I was minding my own business, dancing naked on your alter, shakin' my thing, when a fully clothed being appeared and proceeded to rain on your White Christmas and announce that my nakedness gave her indigestion. So I admit, my maternal instinct overtook me and the rest is history.

    Please, please, please, do not lay low -- go to Gold's for me this week and feed yourself silly on every kosher delight they have to offer!

  2. Jarret: speaking as one who is half Eskimo, I take umbrage and offense at your high handed attempt to speak for my people. Haven't we suffered enough? You are a bastard and I pray that you develop a particularly nasty and virile case of bitch-tits. Yours in frozen fish: Mutt