Clear-Cutting the Merrritt Parkway

April 5, 2013:  Wow! Want to see a real-life example of disturbing fantasy come true? (Me neither, but I couldn't avert my eyes in time.)

Just like the orks in the Lord of the Rings, Connecticut's state highway department is doing a magnificent job of devasting the landscape (and environment) by clear-cutting our lovely "historic scenic highway."

It's remarkable, really. The extent of the homocentric (or anthropocentric --I'm not sure which) action. Since people have died on the Merritt Parkway as a result of fallen -- or falling -- trees, it's become logical and best-practice to cut them all down. In fact, the utility companies -- and their hired minions -- are making their best efforts to cut the trees down all over the place, and this issue of tree-related fatalities fuels the fear that makes it possible.

Now, we all know I'm crazy. And if I'm not crazy, then I'm certainly annoying. But my angled mind sincerely wonders if -- in the big picture -- the BIG picture, I'm talking about here, folks -- I wonder if it's the right thing to do. You see -- and I know this SOUNDS insane, and maybe it is, and you'll have to forgive me that, because I clearly have problems, owing to an odd childhood and a sincere love of fatty foods; I mean, lots of reasons -- but, see, well, I mean, isn't it, maybe, like, possibly just POSSIBLE that this is an overreaction?

I mean, really, maybe it's a bit ... well, I mean, just a TINY ... LITTLE bit crazy to be cutting down thousands and thousands of healthy trees, some very young and growing 25 feet from the road ... couldn't we PERHAPS ... MAYBE ... think this is a wee bit EXTREME?! Yes, trees fall on people. I'm not happy about it. (After all, as many of you know, I oppose violence in all its forms, except on the handball court.) But is this business of tree killings as epidemic as the reaction implies?

The state has a figure that, over the past five or so years, 10 of the 17 fatalities on the Merritt involve people striking trees. Is it possible that some of these people were driving too fast, and therefore left the road they were supposed to be staying on? Could alcohol have been involved in some cases? Most importantly, if these 10 people had hit bridges, would we have THOSE removed?

Please understand, I wouldn't defend anything our state highway department does. I mean, come on! I'm sure a much better job could have been done keeping tabs on dead trees, or pruning. The true level of loafing in that agency would stun people if they really knew its extent. But to even allow anyone to be liable for what old or weak trees are doing is just stupendously, majestically moronic -- the vividly misdirected, confused conclusion of an authentically red and vibrantly enflamed asshole. But so it goes ...

I just, more than anything, wish people shared some of my sadness and outrage that things like this are allowed to happen. What is the value of a human life? It's awful to go there, but again, I HAVE to because no one else will. No one -- certainly no sane person, and even some of us insane ones -- no one wants to see anyone killed. BUT, we are a species of however-many billion members, and as much as we try to fight against the natural flow of things, sometimes people are going to be killed, and sometimes by trees, and I just think that has to be okay. It's bad luck, no doubt. I wouldn't wish a tree on anyone I know, even my intellectual enemies. But at the same time, it's a perfectly honorable circumstance of death, and almost commands the kind of admiration one would have for a bloke who's mauled by a lion or eaten by a shark.

My real point is that as long as mankind continues to RESIST its subordinate role to the grand scheme of the natural order -- and Cripes, if that's not God, than what is?!! -- mankind is going to continue to screw things up to a staggeringly royal extent, and it's NOT GOING TO STOP TREE-RELATED DEATHS!! .... (Whew! Excuse me. Forgive my emotional outburst ... I just like trees!)

In fact, as I drove home this morning, and passed over the Merritt Parkway via the North Avenue bridge in Westport, from where I saw this horrible devastion sight, I passed by a family -- or at least a gathering -- of many wild turkeys straddling the side of the road near Christine B's old street. Now, in all my years in town, I never used to see these birds, but now lately I've begun seeing them in droves -- literally 30 at a time -- and close to the Merritt in each case .... Hmmmmm. What could this be telling us?

But before you say you don't give a shit about the turkey population or its habitat, or any other, because you've got to get to work and you can't run the risk of a tree branch falling on your sleek dull-black racer as you navigate your way along once-wooded roads to get to your job in the cyberspace, just stop and think -- pause, put your cell phone down -- and wonder what's going to happen when the turkeys -- like the trees -- start to turn bad ...

Oh, we'll try to kill them, of course ... But will we get all of them? How will they react to that? Will they get even madder? ... And the deer? ... Can they really be trusted? ... The fawns? ... The foxes? ...

And what about the squirrels? ... What are we going to when the squirrels -- in those sweet, little high-pitched voice -- say "ENOUGH!"?

The Little Furry Creatures & Me

March 19, 2012: A lot of people don't know this about me, but I have a really sensitive side too. For instance, if a small animal is run over by a car, I feel really bad ... Of course, somehow it doesn't seem as tragic if it's a LARGE animal, and especially a dangerous one, like a bear or a deer, or one of those creepy birds with the really sharp beaks. But a small one, like a mouse, gets my heart every time, particularly if it has a family, or a really good job in the community ...

By the way, I've long meant to tell my friend Shannon W. that her ridiculous theory about racing toward manic road squirrels in order to spare their lives just does not work. She claimed that when some stupid squirrel -- and at this point I'm pretty convinced that they're ALL stupid -- begins that spastic dance before your car, jumping this way and that in some strange mankind-induced mad response to its ever-shrinking, ever-decaying natural habitat ... one should aim your car nose RIGHT FOR THEM, because then they'll somehow magically get out of the way ...

Well, it doesn't work, because I killed my first squirrel last year putting that errant theory into practice. ("What was that?" my daughter asked as the depressing, hollow telltale bump of rodent-under-tire echoed softly through the car ... "Oh, nothing," I said, waxing blase' ... "Did you kill that squirrel?" my son asked, somewhat baffled why I'd swerved at it ... "No, no. It got away. Hey! D'ya wanna get some ice cream? Who wants ice cream? Huh? ...) I'd never actually hit a squirrel before (except once on my bicycle, which is a minor story for another day) but after the dozens and dozens of ones I've avoided by braking or simply turning the wheel, my streak was sadly broken when I fell for this deranged homespun southern "wisdom" from a very odd friend of mine ...

This all reminds me about a wonderful and hilarious scene in my novel SPACE CASE, where the two main characters find a dead skunk on the road. (No, this time I'm being serious.) Those of you who've purchased and read the book will remember the sensitive joys, laughter and basic oddity of THAT moment, while the rest of you will, I hope, feel bad that you're being (rightfully) excluded from this reference ... (Of course, you don't HAVE to stay in the dark, as SPACE CASE remains available for e-purchase at a virtual bookhole near you ...)

This, in turn, reminds me to remind you that I'll be making my first virtual appearance in virtually two-and-a-half months, so save the date. (I believe it's June 6, or 6/6, as someone with satanic leanings might point out.) It's at a local library -- I won't tell you which one, so you'll have to guess! I'll be speaking about the book, about writing in general, and, if there's time, possibly about my insatiable need for negative attention. I want to say I'll hope to see you there, but the truth is, I don't know HOW I'll be feeling about you by the time 6/6 rolls around ...

Lastly, all this talk about furry creatures, and my own innate warm fuzziness, reminds me of the time my daughter got two Japanese dwarf hampsters and they ended up eating one another. It's still confusing to me what really happened, for the little crime scene was remarkably disturbing and just sort of baffling beyond description. One of the hampsters was completely gone, while the other was kind of half-eaten ... and parts of the OTHER hampster were clearly INSIDE the one. The lid remained undisturbed atop the cage, ruling out the cat, who's actually so neurotic that her fear of other animals logically prevented her from being a viable suspect ... It was a quick burial, though, and while I strove to hide the ugly truth from my bright daughter, she quickly surmised that something strange and sinister had taken place between her two exotic, far-eastern pets -- something a western animal wouldn't understand!

Anyway, this is why people shouldn't cage animals, but let them run free in the streets, where they can die from more natural causes, like automobile tires ...

Squirrels Mating

August 27, 2009: Already facing considerable demand for another entry, I decided to throw my weekly plan to the wind and give the public what it wants.

At the same time, I wanted to focus on something relevant and somewhat informative. That's when I remembered these two squirrels I saw trying to mate yesterday.

It was quite a spectacle. While they both seemed interested -- of course, who knows what really goes on in a squirrel's mind -- they didn't seem to have the least idea how to begin! (It was like watching a pair of humans.) First the male got behind the female. Then the female turned around and tried to get behind the male. Then they both sort of put their tails against each other's and started backing up, like they were some pair of Kama Sutra squirrels. On top of that, you have to understand that the whole thing was taking place on the side of a tree, so they couldn't have been very relaxed to begin with.

Part of me suspects that the excessive urbanization of Connecticut is to blame. Squirrels want to mate, but they don't even remember how, or they're too frightened to let their guard down. I blame the government for this. (Isn't that what "blogs" are for, after all?!)

I'll try to find out more about this situation, but keep your eyes open. If you see pairs of squirrels acting strangely, at least do your part by averting your eyes. It may help relax them.