Jarret Reports Groundbreaking New Weight-Loss Technique for Fatties!

September 8, 2013:  You're going to love this, but first I have to go off on tangents ...

For starters, I don't know how I did it, but I managed to bring my Blah-ugh! into the 21st century and fix the problem with line spacing. I think it was the addition of the new picture that made the difference, and while it's getting mixed reviews, mostly from people who believe I look dangerous, I think it goes far in capturing the contemptuous glint of surly intolerance that many people -- mostly friends -- relate to me ....

But this is my time of getting things done, and toward that end I wanted to share some awesome discoveries I've made about weight loss and staying in shape.

Many of you loyal Blah-ugh! readers will recall my earth weight creeping up the scales recently to where I almost hit 200 for the first time in my life. (I continue to draw comfort knowing that on the moon I remained under 40 pounds.)

I'm happy to say -- and mainly because more women are glinting at me -- that I've reduced my abundance to something in the upper 170's at this point, and more pounds promise to drop, provided I don't drop first.

I'm proud to report I've made a concerted effort to win back my sveltitude, and while it hasn't been a linear process (mostly owing to my love of fatty meats and blue velvet cupcakes), I've exhibited incredible concentrated consciousness in making the hard choices that served to redefine my beautiful body and finally make my pants looser ...

Now, I can tell you there are obvious things to put into practice when it comes to getting thinner, such as considerable reduction of breads and pastas. But these ideas have been reported in many places and I won't waste a valuable forum like mine on the obvious. (In truth, if you don't already know this stuff, you're probably too dumb to grasp the subtle magnificence of my new idea, so stop bothering me and go eat some kippers.) Instead, let me tell you about a unique realization I had in the shower today ...

I've noticed in recent years that I tend to actually get thinner once autumn grows cold. In fact, I've found that I feel myself losing weight with the cold weather, and I kind of noticed -- though I'm not sure now, because my memory is so bad -- that I don't gain weight when the weather turns colder ...

Now, a key element of weight loss involves increasing your metabolism. This means -- at least to me, and I don't know why it has to be any more complicated than this -- getting your heartbeat moving faster. Anyone who does a good lot of exercise in a period of time knows that feeling of increased heart. It's kind of like when you drink a lot of coffee on an empty stomach. You see, weight loss occurs not from the targeted time of exercise, but over the ensuing hours, when your heart rate is up and your beautiful body is pumping away the pounds through its panicked mania.

To make a long story short -- and I see already this is becoming a long one, if not a particularly dull one -- I realized today that cold shower increase your heart rate. Yes! This is the secret that those so-called fat-cat scientists in Washington don't want you to know about! Cold showers are the route to real effective weight loss!

Yes, I'm as surprised as you are, but it makes perfect sense if you think about it. This is why the advent of the cold weather brings increased heart rate -- because it's cold, dammit! And if you can replicate that through the pain of ice water doused on your head and private parts, so much the better for you and all of us (and our domestic partners in particular).

Try it! I guarantee that a few solid minutes of icy water will step up your system to a new level of panic. And isn't that how we should be shedding the pounds -- through fear and intimidation?! I mean, it works in every other area of our lives, after all, so why not use it here ...

But I'm serious, and I hope that in my own small way I'll be making a difference not only in your commanding ownership of your body, but also in perhaps saving you money on hot water ...

Weighting for De-Grow

January 23, 2013:  Never one to fixate on weight, except in other people, I suddenly find myself struggling with this ungainly—if you’ll forgive the rather clever pun—subject. I’m reminded because it’s all I can do at this moment to not wrap my hotdogs in several buns each, all in order to satisfy the hunger that envelopes me and, simultaneously, attempts to assuage—if you’ll forgive the rather clever pun—my gaping god hole (as Wendy Mole so eloquently references it in the novel “Space Case”) …

I’m frightened to report that I’m at an all-time high with regard to my ever-increasing fatness. This is funny, because I’ve actually never looked better, at least that’s what many people keep telling me lately, although most of them are people I’ve never met before. But I know this has to do with my ongoing spiritual development, which seems to be proportionately linked to how much I’m eating. I think this is why Buddha was so fat, and Jesus, after he went out on his own, was known to just gorge himself on chickpeas and halvah. So, really, if I can let go of the societal-imposed ideals and negative messages, I’m really in a very centered place, although it’s a fat place, centered in whipped cream and doughnuts. The problem is understanding—or misunderstanding; I don’t really care which—that it’s not so much a gluttonous pursuit of sensual satisfaction that drives me, but a spiritual quest for more peace and more potatoes.

Somehow toward this subject—though I won’t be entirely sure how until I’m finished with this sentence—a friend of mine who’s apparently decaying rapidly has come to recognize that her failing eyesight, as she plummets into the unforgiving abyss of aging, is proving to be a remarkable gift. She sees—if you’ll forgive the rather clever pun—that all these awful examples of her imminent decay are meaningless and unimportant because her eyes are worse and she can’t see them as well—the decays I mean, not her eyes. This is brilliant, of course, and I identified with my own experience and discoveries. In fact, there’s a good chance I discovered it first, but she just hounded in for the credit, which is very like her. But no matter, for the soft-focus on my vision keeps me from bothering to claim victories, or even see what’s really going on—both here and abroad. And so the very physical maladies that approach me turn out to be a lovely means for physical denial. God knows I’ve lived in emotional and mental denial for so many years, isn’t it about time to have some physical denial as well? This is the same soft vision that enables me to overlook the rampant growth of hairs in my ears, mainly because I can’t see them. Of course if my vision were better, I might stand to notice them, but then if my vision were better, I wouldn’t be sprouting so many hairs in the first place.

This is sound circular thinking, of course, and explains—dare I even say justifies—the reasoning behind my new weight gain, (if you could even call it that; some would say I look great and the addition of a few fatty pounds is just my body’s way of making more room for the bountiful spiritual growth I’m enjoying) …

And now I don’t remember where I started. Let’s just say, I’d like to lose a few pounds, but I simply too good a person to do it.