Meditating and Various Meditations

September 30, 2012:  Bob and I would like to express our sincere gratitude for the outpouring of support we received regarding the removal of his testicles. Things came off fine, so to speak, and he shows no linger effects, save a new tendency to blush.

It’s morning in America and I’m happy to report that things are swell. Halloween is coming and the leaves, too, are blushing, as am I. In fact, last night I indulged in yet another viewing of my all-time favorite spooky mood movie “Halloween III: Season of the Witch.” I was further thrilled to be joined by my son, Max, who commented to me so sharply during the closing credits, in heartfelt disbelief, “THAT’S your favorite horror movie?!!”

Yes, it is, my young pup, and I’ll never be able to explain it to anyone who doesn’t understand the strange, spooky subtleties of the Halloween spirit—a kind of kid-like magic that surrounds things like autumn-time hide-and-seek in the dark, diving under bushes to avoid detection when one of Conal Cochran’s evil robots drives by in a white Mazda … (After all, what does anyone under 30 understand about being a kid?!) Sure, it’s a bit over-the-top in places, but shouldn’t we give ourselves over to such experiences, like my cat did?

But I’m being vague, and that’s not why you visit this Blah-ugh! … I don’t think. Why DO you visit this Blah-ugh! anyway? I mean, what exactly is your problem? (I know what MINE is, after all, but that’s why I take the medication.)

Anyway, if for no other reason, Halloween III is worth the viewing for Tom Atkins’ terrific honest acting reactions each time he’s faced with a violence scene. As you know, Atkins plays Dr. Dan Chalice—brilliantly—subtly—and when this grisly, hulking, mustachioed actor moans and reacts, it’s so perfectly authentic. For instance, when he’s punching one of the guards and the guy doesn’t even flinch. “Oo-oh!” Atkins moans—a model of depth and truth. He should have been the hero in the Die Hard movies, and yes, my ignorant child, Dr. Chalice will remain one of my all-time favorite fictional heroes, right up there with Capt. Kirk, Mr. Thackery, Ed Wood and Andre Gregory.

Now, I intended to talk about meditation, as you garnered from the title, but we all know what good intentions are, or what good it is having them, especially when you have no intention of following them. But I did, and that’s why I’m confused, or at least I’m GETTING confusing in a tough effort to keep YOU from being confused … You see, ironically all I can think about right now is that I just realized orange juice gives me upflux, and this is ironic because meditation is all about concentration and not letting your thoughts drift to vomit or breasts—not letting vomit-covered breasts cloud your anchoring to the present moment.

So what can I really say about meditating anyway, except I’ve been practicing it. Hell, I don’t even know what meditation’s about, nor should, because if I did I’d be one of those hype frauds, like Wayne Dwyer, or Dyer, or whatever his name is. Now, in my critical estimation, there’s a nervous man. When you listen to his tapes you can just hear his teeth grinding. That’s why I’m a dedicated Deepak Chopra man and proud of it. I always feel like Deepak is embarrassed at having to be commercial, but his handlers keep encouraging it.

My newest discovery is Eggbert Tolle (Reinhart … some German name). He’s really on the money with his crap, I must say, and I’m getting a lot out of HIS book. The hardest part—and believe me, it took me a full year—was getting over the disturbing picture of him on the back, where he looks like a kind of mutated Dr. Seuss character, with that chin beard and what I find to be a suspicious and disturbing elfin expression.

Anyway, meditation is good, vomit is bad, breasts are very good, cats are good if they don’t have testicles, Halloween III is awesome and Tom Atkins is the best!

Again With Halloween ... III

October 31, 2011: Ah, so the dark season is once again upon us ... and as I sit here in my devil's costume, enjoying the remnants of snow and sunning weather, I can't help but think of all the strange and superficial things that Halloween (and peripheral autumn) means to me ...

Of course, it's mostly about pumpkins, and the color orange in general. I like orange, even though I was kicked out of Princeton (or at least asked to leave after I visited my friend there and took my shoes off in his eating club). Contrary to popular belief, orange is NOT a combination of red and yellow, but a blend of yellow and blue. (Some people think this is green, but I know better.)

Which brings me to my very favorite seasonal movie of all time -- Halloween III: Season of the Witch. I watched this classic once again last week, and I'm never disappointed. Tom Atkins, who plays the rugged, oft-drinking hero Dr. Dan Chalice, remains my perfect ideal of a film hero, despite how ugly he looks with his shirt off. The story itself is a minor gem, and had it been written by Poe or some Poe derivative, it would continue to be hailed as a classic, and not relegated to the dusty shelves of B-movie accidents. I consider Tommy Lee Wallace, who wrote and directed the film, an unknown gem of a man (See "It" and "Fright Night 2" if you don't believe me!), and while he never responded to my letter back when I was living in L.A., I'll never hold a grudge because for me, he created the quintessential Halloween experience with his delightful story of a mad male Celtic warlock, his demented Halloween mask factory in northern California, and all the shenanigans that ensue.

There's a lot more I have to say, but I'm suddenly realizing I probably said it LAST YEAR, so I urge you to begin rereading my old Blah-ugh! posts ... Tell your friends about them ... Tell ME about them, and maybe I'll stop writing them!

Anyway, the evil Connell Cochran tells Dr. Chalice before he leaves him to suffer the awful pains of wearing that scary skull mask before the twisted television transmission, " ... and Happy Halloween!"

Halloween: The Real Pinnacle of Christian Values

October 31, 2009: I'd be remiss in my duties did I not take a few moments to meditate on my favorite day of the year -- Halloween (or, as it's more popularly known, "October 31st").

Contrary to what many of you rabid Bible-wielding fanatics (Shannon & Matt) may think, this is not some unholy celebration of Satan and those surly, disenfranchised minions of the Dark Lord (meaning those chubby people who wear lots of mascara and face jewelry, and listen to Led Zeppelin). No, in fact Halloween is the very essence of Christian community! Halloween is a powerful demonstration of old-fashioned Christian values, and at its best exemplifies the kind of orderly, clear-thinking unity that makes the Right Wing just get all wet down below.

On what other holiday (and I ask rhetorically) do we have such interaction with our neighbors? While 364.25 days of our average year are spent shunning our neighbor -- avoiding looks when we're cutting the lawn, turning our heads when we pass them on the street to avoid having to speak -- (at least this is how I handle it, and I consider myself quite average, despite my dashing good looks) -- on Halloween the excuse comes to walk right up to our neighbor's door and (through our children) demand gifts, (the whole time assessing how good or bad their home furnishing taste may be as judged by their front foyer). If this isn't a perfect opportunity to "love" our neighbor (as Jesus demanded in one of his mad rants), it's certainly a great chance to tolerate their presence because they're giving us candy.

Let's also not forget how good it is to see everyone in costume. Even ugly people can look brilliant in the right ensemble, and nothing brings the joys of youth and exuberance to the elderly or infirmed like a wolfman mask.

I can't say enough about Halloween. To me it was best captured by a certain old photograph taken by the late George Silk. (See the pic below my profile ... On the right, you fool! ... Yes, I know it's too small to see, but I'm a writer, not a computer technician! What do you want from me?!) Also, the movie "Halloween III," with the underrated Tom Atkins, as well as Orson Welles' "War of the Worlds" broadcast, bare trees, deranged pumpkins, and wooden xylophones played in minor keys.

Keep a Jack O'Lantern burning tonight, or throw food in the yard to appease the dead. (That's Halloween 101.) Expect the weirdest, for the barriers are down, and don't trust that the people you're interacting with are even them themselves, for this is Halloween, and it's not like other nights or days.

But most importantly, remember that Halloween is the antithesis of evil. It is, in fact, the real answer to the notorious moral cavity gaping in our society, like a sperm whale's blow hole. For all you fearful and fearing zealous Christian crazies (Matt & Shannon), who like to bash the off-beat celebration, ironically Halloween is the answer of which Ronald Reagan so rabidly dreamed -- a chance for folks to commune in the safety of darkness, and fool their neighbors into thinking they're all part of a loving, happy, magical world.